The bewitching hour never announces its arrival. I wait for it, start writing in faith, and discover it has been waiting for me – or, more often passed me by, offended that I might presume upon the nature of the beast.
So sit closer, please. I am uncertain tonight. I am two-dimensional, desperately in need of taking definitive actions. The speeches are all in my mind – complete – edited and amended and augmented and articulated a hundred times. Tiny stitches in an old sock. But I am unsure, sore afraid of not being taken seriously or worse – being laughed at! So I hesitate, and by example live in parable. Who makes up these silly rules, anyway?!
The play closed yesterday. The set is gone. Bare stage remains. As I have done so many times before, I stand there, alone, listening to echoes of echoes. It was a good show, excellent by the standards of this theatre – two standing ovations. And I should feel a sense of relief – this is the first time in 15 months that I haven’t been in production or pre-production for one show or another. But I feel nothing inside – empty. Why is that, do you suppose? Why this rush from one project to the next to the next? What void do I pretend to fill? I know the answer, of course. Fulfillment is finite. What increases one person diminishes someone else. I won’t have that. For the life of me, I will not.
So maybe a vacation is in order – I haven’t taken one in at least ten years. At the moment the orient has some appeal. I’ll send you some postcards from Xanadu!
j.
3 comments:
I understand this to some extent when one begets life and so much is in the preparing of the arrival and then the arrival and then the child grows up.
Some have more children.
I don't have an answer, only dozens of examples. What fills you? Pursue that thing.
I find traveling West to be a great mind cleanser. When all else fails, Skype!
'what inreases one person diminishes someone else? Is that really true? If you make someone happy surely that increases them! So how does that diminish someone else? Whatever the answer, vacations are always a good idea. Near east, far east, don't forget to let us know how you fare.
Sorry. I know on occasion I can be so cleverly circumspect that later even I don’t know what I’m talking about. There are two aspects to a relationship; how someone contributes to the quality of your life, and your desire to contribute to the quality of his or hers. If, for some reason you can’t return measure for measure, then you benefit and the other person is diminished. I would avoid a relationship altogether rather than see that happen.
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