THE TEAPOT COLLECTOR

So. I make all these noises about being a playwright. But it's been a couple of years since one of my works has been produced. Am I now writing for my own amusement?

That ain't it, kid.

So. Last year my buddy Julie and I entered a play in the WRITER'S DIGEST PLAY COMPETITION, and it did well.

So. This year I entered my latest work in the same competition. I mean, that's doing something.

Right? Right.

So. A minor complication. The play has been entered, but so far only 25 pages of it have actually been written. I mean, if it wins something, what are the chances that somebody might actually want to read part of it?

So. For the past few days I've been writing like the panicked idiot that I am. Here's a bit of dialogue nobody else has seen yet.

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(Madeline, age 55, is talking on an antique cell phone.)

MADELINE: Betty? Madeline. Would you do me a favor? Look out your window and tell me if Bill is home yet. (SHE pauses.) Good.Yes. I'm still here. His Highness hasn't come out of the bathroom in three hours. I mean, nobody is that full of ... on the other hand, I could be wrong about that. (SHE pauses.) I don't know. A couple of hours, most likely. I want to make sure he's taking his pills. Not that it would be such a big loss, if you know what I mean. (SHE looks around.) God, look at the dust. I'm in the tea room. The TEA room. The GARAGE!

(SHE runs a finger over the top of a dusty teapot. At that moment OWEN, age 72, enters.)

OWEN: If you break that, you pay for it.

MADELINE: Why don't you clean these once in awhile?

OWEN: Go home. Clean your own teapots.

MADELINE: Teapot. Singular. More than one is an excess.

OWEN: Too bad you don't feel that way about husbands.

MADELINE: I beg your pardon?

OWEN: As well you should.

MADELINE: I'm sure I don't know why I come over here.

OWEN: You're masochistic.

MADELINE: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

OWEN: And it's no fun at all if I have to explain it.

(MADELINE speaks into the cell phone.)

MADELINE: Betty? I'll call you back. (SHE ends the call, hands the phone to OWEN.) You really should get a new one of these.

OWEN: Why?

MADELINE: It's old.

OWEN: So am I. There. I've fed you a straight line for once. Make the most of it.

MADELINE: Of what?

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Comment?

JB

And how was your day?